It’s Never Too Early

This morning while I was dutifully perusing the toy aisles at the local Big Box Evil Retailer, listening to my three year old’s delighted squeals of “Oooooh! Look at THAT! And THAT!” on endless repeat, my nostrils rebelling at the assault of cinnamon wafting from a few aisles over like a nose seeking missile (and who decided it’s cinnamon season, anyway?), I noticed a toy which will undoubtedly be the must-have Christmas hit of 2011.

My eyes beheld an amazing sight. The I Am T-Pain Microphone. That’s right, the man who has brought us such hits as I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper), Calm the F*ck Doun, and Chopped N Screwed has entered the toy market. Hooray!

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg of an as yet untapped market, and I have some ideas for the good folks at Mattel, Fisher-Price and Hasbro, should they wish to get in on the action. Here are a few suggestions:

1) The Insane Clown Posse Slushie Machine: That’s right, little Juggalos and Juggalettes, now you can turn your Faygo Soda into a refreshing frozen drink! Mom and Dad, just imagine the smiles on your little clowns’ faces when they see this under the tree! With a powerful motor and patented Sta-Cool technology, refreshing iced drinks are a breeze! Thought slushies were a summertime treat? It’s the Fourth of July the whole year through with the ICP Slushie Machine!

2) The Snoop Dogg Easy Bake(d) Oven: For the little pastry chef on your holiday list. You’ll be the most popular kid on the block when your friends get their first taste of your brownies, and they’ll keep coming back for more! Just follow the simple recipes using the included mixes, and
enjoy the endless creations!

3) The Lady Gaga Lil’ Lady Dress Up: Now your little princess can look like a star! Feathers, light bulbs, sequins, beef jerky—it’s all included, and  with the themed accessory kits (sold separately), the possibilities are endless! Your Lil’ Lady will enjoy hours of dress up fun—the only limit is your imagination!*

*Requires eight 9-volt batteries (not included).

Just don’t forget to send a little commission my way, toymakers!


3 thoughts on “It’s Never Too Early

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